Blissfully Informed Hippie Chick

Encouraging people to think critically about everything.

Panic

on September 29, 2015

I’m about to wear my heart on my sleeve, and that’s a little terrifying. But I feel I need to show the world what happens to a grown woman who was abused as a child. The abuse I suffered was largely psychological. There are plenty of kids who have and will suffer much worse. If I have this much trouble living a normal, happy life, I can’t imagine what it’s like for them.

So here goes, *deep breath*…

I have anxiety. Bad. It stems from my childhood. Never good enough. Trying my hardest isn’t good enough. Always “overreacting”. My feelings aren’t real. Just shut your mouth. No one cares. The “black sheep”, bad kid, troublemaker. This is what I was led to believe. This is my inner dialogue. Minor things I can handle ok. Big things, I freeze. I don’t know what to do or don’t think I can or just get so anxious thinking about it that I just DON’T. Until the last-minute. When everything is do or die.

I’m faced with a situation now that I should have handled long ago. Or told my husband up front that I couldn’t so that he could. And I’m freaking the fuck out. I feel like my insides are going to explode. And they are, really. I’m freaking yelling at my kids for the slightest things. I know it’s my own panic coming out in the form of rage. But I don’t know how to stop it. It just makes me hate myself even more, just another reason to tell myself all those horrible things that I normally suppress.

All the little things that are generally mildly annoying are 100x as annoying right now. I feel like I should just go away because I don’t think it’s fair to subject everyone I love the most to all my fucking baggage. But I can’t just go away. And no, killing myself isn’t something I seriously consider anymore. Used to, years ago. Still pops up every now and then. But no, not gonna happen, don’t worry.

So now I have to admit to my husband that I need his help…something I don’t like to admit, ever; because admitting that means I’m weak. When you’re an abused kid, you can’t afford to be weak. And I have to face his disappointment in me. That I didn’t say I needed help sooner, or just take care of it. Or SOMETHING, other than pretending it wasn’t an issue when it really is. Disappointing him means I’ve failed. Means he might not love me anymore. Which is horse shit. I know this, intellectually. But I was taught that love from my mother is contingent upon doing things that make her happy and proud, so that’s how I feel that everyone gives love. And it’s one of my greatest fears to lose my husband’s love. The only one I feel has ever truly loved me unconditionally. Codependent? Yep. I admit that, too. I talk big shit, but deep down, I’m this scared little girl. Scared of everything. Scared of losing control; because losing control is weakness, and weakness is failure, and failure is disappointment, and disappointment is lack of love.

I just want to be ok…is that too much to ask??

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15 responses to “Panic

  1. countingsheepstudio says:

    One step at a time…moment by moment you get stronger. Do the very best you can – then let go of the rest. Sleep easy mama, you are never alone. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. You just admitted your greatest fear(s), publicly. It takes more strength to admit to your faults than to hide behind the veil of shame and pretend that you can ‘somehow’ work this out without asking for help. I find your words encouraging, not shameful. To stand up and say you need help is an affirmation, not a grievance. There are so many people who want to find the courage to do what you have just done, but they feel so unworthy, such failures for needing to ask. They also deserve the rite of passage to happiness.

    When we can put words to our pain, expressing it openly, we take power away from the source of our shame and we find ourselves moving forward. The fear of not meeting your husbands expectations can be as simple as you projecting your feelings of being considered ‘not good enough’ from your youth, onto him. Leave that fear in the past.

    Can you show him the words you have written, opening as an opportunity to working together to get you help? You have skillfully articulated your concerns and fears. Personally, I believe you are on a journey to overcome what has frustrated and created the chaos in your world. Your post will offer hope to others.

    The journey is arduous, but the joy of learning your true self is priceless and deserving.
    ☕️❤️

    Liked by 3 people

  3. No it isn’t too much to ask. You deserve to be okay and have your life be okay. You deserve patience and love and support and understanding. I know these feelings well and I am so sorry you are feeling this way now. Sending you love, confidence and support. It WILL be okay ❤️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Karlyne says:

    The fact that you named this post “Panic” says a lot. Just remember that that is exactly what it is: panic. And anything you can name you can get through. Don’t beat yourself up over what you’ve said or done, and never be afraid to tell your kids you’re sorry. Your husband deserves to be on this journey with you, and walking with him, the two of you together, is important for you all. Breathe, breathe, breathe!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not beating myself up is really difficult. I’ve been the punching bag for my entire family, even extended family, most or all of my life =(

      Like

      • Karlyne says:

        What do they generally abuse you for? I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the greatest weakness/greatest strength conundrum. For instance,do they think you’re weak? Well, “weakness” is a sign of caring, and that’s a huge strength. Can you pinpoint at least some of the things that they’re always been on you about, and then agree with them?! “Why, yes, I see that I do care!” instead of “I’m so weak.” Do they yell at you about being a failure? “Ha! At least I keep trying-I have perseverance!” That probably sounds simplistic, but sometimes the most simple stuff does help.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. My narcissistic mother has pretty complete control over my family’s view of me. I only recently decided to let go of the hope that I will ever change their minds. She has painted me as such a liar for all my life (I’m 32), that they would not believe a word I say. As hard as it is for me, I’m done trying. At least for now. She is the saint and I am the liar. I cannot handle the stress of trying to fight against the version of me she’s presented to them, so I have to let go of all of them. It’s very depressing, to be so alienated from people I always loved. I simply do not have the strength to fight that fight now… the fight to prove my innocence. For now, I’m focusing on battling my inner demons. Banishing that negative self-talk. Learning to love myself. That’s a big enough battle on it’s own.

    Like

  6. Karlyne says:

    You’re right! Sometimes you just have to let the line drop. They know where to find you if their hearts change. A one-sided love is fine abstractly, but you’re beating your head against a brick wall if you try to make it more than that. If they don’t want to love you, they won’t. It’s not a fight that’s worth fighting, and it’s not one that you’d win. And if they only want you in their lives in order to feel better about themselves, well, you know the answer to that one! And you’ve got much more important people in your life now to care about; they’re what’s all-important.

    Liked by 1 person

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