Blissfully Informed Hippie Chick

Encouraging people to think critically about everything.

Spiraling Down…

on October 15, 2015

I’m stuck in a really bad place right now, mentally. I’m recovering from a rib injury. Feeling incapable of caring for my family is difficult. I’ve been self-reliant since I was a kid. Being dependant on others is scary, especially when the people I’m depending on let me down. Then I feel stuck…unable to do the things that I know need to be done, but left with no one to do them, either. So I sit here, seeing the mess all around me, feeling more and more inadequate as the chaos builds, until I explode from a place of frustration at my lack of control over the situation. I can’t control those around me, so I resort to trying to coerce them into doing what I feel needs to be done, for the health and wellbeing of us all. But that’s no good, either. They’re either afraid to say “no” or are guilted into it. Of course, the other option is utter defiance. That one infuriates me. I feel I must be a horrible mother, a horrible person, if those that should care the most about me are showing with their actions that they don’t care at all. But that’s not it, really, it’s that they don’t want to be controlled. So how do I release control? How do I trust that if I let go, they will show their compassion and love? And what if they don’t? How will I handle that heartache? How will I face the fact that my bond with my own child, my flesh and blood, is so severed that she doesn’t want to help me? And then how do I fix that? Can I fix that? Or have I already doomed her to life struggles that I myself have been, and am, going through? I would give anything to spare her that heartache, that pain, those tears. But the more I try, the further I push her away. I reach and grasp, and with every attempt, I actually push her further toward the ledge instead of pulling her back away from it. I want to scream, and I do. I want to throw myself off the ledge, sacrifice my own life for hers. Sometimes, I get the feeling that she’d be so much better off if I just stopped trying. This is the one thing I so longed to not fail at…being a mother. I wanted to give life to children who were whole and happy and loved. And now I’m faced with the fact that they are broken. Maybe not to the degree that I was, but broken just the same. And now my heart is breaking. My soul is shattered. My life feels useless. And I realize that I have still never learned to love myself, after 32 years on this planet. My consciousness still hates the confines of this body and mind. I suppose it’s not a surprise that I can’t wholly love my children if I don’t wholly love myself. But how? How do I love me? Where do I even start?  I don’t feel worthy of love. Maybe I’m so scared of death because it’s what I feel I deserve, and I’m just waiting for it to take me away…

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3 responses to “Spiraling Down…

  1. This post is really heavy. As a mom myself, I face many of those demons as well. The pain is deep, deeper than most can understand. Moms especially base their self worth on the success and happiness of the children we are raising. It’s people who are like us that have the most difficult time. I know for me I have expectations of who I think my kids should be, how they should act, the way they look… You name it. I strive for perfection in myself and it’s hard not to project that onto the extensions of myself. I realize it is unfair. For me, self love came gradually. It takes practice, tons of self help books and inspirational motivational quotes on a daily basis. The closer I got to 40, the easier it became. Something happens then that enables you to stop apologizing for who you aren’t and feeling confident in who you are. I get the struggle between control and the effect of kids pulling away. It’s like a lose lose situation and you are hanging yourself with your own rope. Sometimes I put things in perspective. I ask, is this going to seem important a tear from now? Is this situation worth feeling depression or anxiety. You will learn to talk and reason yourself through it. But man being mom is hard. I have a /6 year old and she is a different person every single day. Kids these days are self absorbed. They aren’t as compassionate and don’t care as deeply about things as our generation. Just do the best you can. Remind yourself you are doing all you can. Sometimes it will be right, other times wrong. Parenting does not come with an instruction book and even if it did it could never produce the same two kids. Sending you love, support, hope and encouraging.

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  2. Aww, I am so sorry you are going through this right now. I know you are hurting and I sincerely wish I lived closer so I could physically be able to help you with all that you need. All I am able to do though is send you my love and let you know that I have been there. I too have failed as a mother in ways I am not proud of and it is a hard thing to get past. I have had those times where I felt my children would be better off without me. I also know what it is like to feel like you are undeserving of love. It is especially hard when you have grew up in the situations we have and the one person who should have been there for us and loved us the most let us down. You have a good heart and you deserve way more than you are able to see right now. I hope you have a speedy recovery. Forgive yourself and move forward. That is all we can do. Life is like a series of snapshots. Sure some of the snapshots we give our children aren’t so great and we would love to be able to burn them but if we move forward and work to make the other snapshots the best we can, the good ones will far outweigh the bad. 🙂 ❤

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  3. Mama, give yourself some leeway. You feel helpless and are hurting and you’d love for your kids to respond to your wishes. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves that folks can’t read our minds. At these times we must politely ask for their help and so gratitude when it is forthcoming.

    I know we each one to blame ourselves, but that isn’t fair to you or to them.

    Stay brave, communicate your needs and ask them how you can help them once you’re mended.

    You are a good mom or you wouldn’t have bothered asking for help.
    ☕️❤️

    Liked by 1 person

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