Blissfully Informed Hippie Chick

Encouraging people to think critically about everything.

Who am I?

I have been on this journey…of self-discovery. Of uncovering my true self, removing my masks, learning to love myself. 
Almost 2 years ago, I was crashing. I thought I had hit rock bottom at this point, but I wasn’t even close. I wrote this

I am…

I am…afraid.
I wonder…why I’m here.
I hear…the voices of my children.
I see…chaos all around.
I want…to disappear.
I am…terrified of dying.
I pretend…to be happy.
I feel…so very much alone.
I touch…my body, but it doesn’t feel like me.
I worry…that all hope is lost.
I cry…in silence, alone.
I am…a failure.
I understand…that I’m my own worst enemy.
I say…things I don’t believe.
I dream…of feeling free.
I try…to see the Light.
I hope…my soul can heal.
I am…afraid.

I want to re-write that now. I haven’t been re-born, I’m just becoming who I always have been. 

Allow me to introduce you to me! What makes me ME? Well, for starters…

Naked yoga on my bed…

Meditating barefoot in the grass in the early morning…

Creating things…

Wearing long, flowing skirts…

Going braless…

Having messy hair…

Taking cool showers in the hot summer heat (preferably with my husband)…

Laughing with someone over anything, as long as we’re really laughing…

Smoking weed…

Perusing the shelves of a library or bookstore…

Having wild, raucous, passionate sex for so long that I collapse into a mess on the bed/floor/couch/whatever and gasp, “I…just…can’t…move…anymore…” (and then somehow getting one last burst of energy to finish)…

Talking about anything and everything, as long as it’s real…

This is me. Raw and unfiltered. Authentic. 

And now, for a new poem…

I Am

I am…human. 
I wonder…what forever feels like. 
I hear…songs of unity and hope. 
I see…people hurting, pretending, dying. 
I want…this moment, right here. 
I am…alive!
I pretend…nothing anymore.
I feel…happy. 
I touch…the lives of everyone I meet, in some way. 
I worry…sometimes, that I won’t be able to accept each moment I’m given with grace. 
I cry…for the little girl I was. 
I am…not that little girl anymore. 
I understand…everything so clearly now.
I say…too much, sometimes. 
I dream…of peace on Earth. 
I try…to allow myself to be. 
I hope…I’ve fully enjoyed this moment. 
I am…Alicia. 

1 Comment »

A Transformation

I preface this piece of prose with this: I have hesitated in publishing these words out of doubt. I feel their truth in my soul, but I doubt it with my mind. I desire authenticity, though. So I share this, my soul, with you now…

A Transformation



The shedding of the false self
Re-birth
The Phoenix, rising from the ashes
How can one un-know what one has discovered? 
Growth
Continual change
Sometimes slow, sometimes sudden
Jerking forward
Launching me into the unknown
New territory
Hidden paths
Thoughts I never knew I possessed
It feels like death
Constricting
Full of fear
Panic
Unknown
But is it death? 
Or merely re-birth? 
Growth
Change
The turning of the wheel of time
The changing of the seasons of life
Knowledge
Understanding
Wisdom
Insight
I can’t be the same person I was before
I don’t even recognize that person when I look back
I pity her
But I don’t
She knew all she knew
She had only her experiences to draw on
I have more
More perspective
More knowledge
I’ve gained so much in so few years, it feels like a new lifetime
A new life
Re-birth
The death of the old me
Bitter
Angry
Frustrated
Confused
Inexperienced
Naive
Lost
And the birth of a new me
The beginning
Life renewed
I had wanted to kill myself
And I did
I am no longer her
There are remnants, memories
But they don’t feel like me
I feel transformed
Alive in a way I never was before
Like I’ve come out of a fog
Out of a deep slumber
Out of a cave
Into a new world
A new time
A new understanding
Is this the death I saw? 
The death I have felt for more than 2 years? 
The imminent doom? 
The feeling of dread? 
The thoughts that have consumed me, captivated me, suffocated me…
Can a soul live two lifetimes within one body?
Without physical death separating the two? 
A transformation of spirit within one body? 
A new existence bearing the same face? 
Or is it the same? 
I cannot tell
My old self seems a hollow shell
An empty vessel
A lost soul
Wandering
Searching
Trying to make sense of this world
This reality
This time and place
I feel as though the hollowness of me has been filled
With meaning
Purpose
Understanding
I feel I have so much more to offer this place
These people
Other lost souls
Searching for the truth
Searching for answers
I don’t know all of the answers, but I know the most important one
WE are one
We are entangled
Interwoven on a level that most cannot see
But it exists all the same
I see it
All around me
The patterns
The web of interconnectedness
The force that binds us all together
We are so lost, we humans
But there is a way back
To harmony
To peace
To coexistence
People say I’m too optimistic, but I can’t help what I see
It’s so tangibly real to me
I can almost reach out and touch it
I am here to help them see
To help them believe once more
That there is good in us all
That peace is within our grasp
That harmony is but a generation away
It’s not just a dream
We must just believe
Have faith
Know
Be

Leave a comment »

You Deserve to Live

image

I’m tired.

Tired of this charade.

Tired of attempting to squeeze myself into the box that has been constructed by humans over the past couple thousand years.

Tired of this game known as “civilization”.

Tired of living the lie fabricated by these same humans.

The lie that says there is this thing called “money” which we are supposed to want as much of as possible.

The lie that says one human can own a piece of the Earth.

The lie that says one human isn’t “allowed” to plant food on another human’s “property”, even if it’s not being used.

The lie that says one human can’t merely exist without owing another human some form of monetary compensation.

The lie that there are lines drawn around the Earth that divide one group of humans from another.

The lie that one human has the “right” to kill another human for crossing one of those imaginary lines.

I’m tired.

This is not how humans are supposed to live.

This is unnatural.

This is unhealthy.

We are killing ourselves with stress.

Stress.

The stress of constantly worrying about this imaginary thing called “money” that rules our very existence.

We are indoctrinated to believe that we must have money in order to live, that one cannot happen without the other.

We must have money for houses and cars, food and clothes, electricity and water, furniture and electronics, entertainment and insurance.

And if we don’t believe these lies, we are led to believe that we have “failed”.

We are a “waste of life”.

I disagree.

The lies…the money, the possessions, the civilization… they are the waste of life.

I’m tired of wasting my life.

I want freedom.

True freedom.

Not the packaged, branded, government-approved, flag-waving, war-mongering, false freedom that has been sold to us by that same small group of humans who drew imaginary lines over the face of the planet we all live on.

No.

I want to be truly free.

Free to walk wherever my feet take me.

Free to use whichever plants my hands can grasp, for the benefit of my body.

Free to lay my head wherever it happens to be when I am tired.

Free to choose not to spend my days perpetuating the lies that these humans around me so blindly accept as truth.

But are they so blind?

Can they really not see?

Do they really not feel what I feel?

Are they really not aware that this web of lies exists?

No, they know.

They are aware.

They can feel it, too.

They are merely hiding their eyes under a blanket of security.

They are afraid.

Afraid to pull the blanket away and see the world for what it truly is.

They have been told that the world is a terrifying place.

Full of disaster and death.

Perhaps that is the lie that got us into this mess to begin with.

Perhaps when a handful of humans decided that their nomadic hunter-gatherer lives should transform into stationary agriculture and land possession, that lie was actually true.

Perhaps they had good reason to be afraid of disaster and death.

I don’t doubt they had good intentions.

But the threat they might have faced has long since passed.

We no longer need to live in fear of what might happen.

We have the technology and knowledge to live in pretty much any way we desire.

We are capable of attaining true freedom.

The catch is that your freedom cannot hinge upon the enslavement of another.

We all are a part of this Earth.

We are all born, live, and die here.

To deny anyone the right to true freedom is to deny them the right to exist.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers.

I have many ideas, but none of them is ultimately “right” or “wrong”.

What I do know is that whichever solutions we collectively enact, they must be accessible to all.

No human has the right to deny another human true freedom.

This Earth, and everything in it, cannot belong to one or two or ten or a million humans.

This Earth belongs to us all.

All we have to do is let go of the fear that drives us.

Those humans who want us to perpetuate their lies, they rely on our fear to control us.

It is our own fear that imprisons us.

Without that fear, nothing can claim power over us.

Releasing your fear is the first step to achieving true freedom.

You deserve to live a life free from fear.

You deserve to live.

Sometimes I feel the fear of the uncertainty stinging clear
And I can’t help but ask myself how much I’ll let the fear take the wheel and steer

It’s driven me before, and it seems to have a vague
Haunting mass appeal
Lately I’m beginning to find that I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

So if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive, oh oh
It’s driven me before, and it seems to be the way
That everyone else gets around
Lately, I’m beginning to find that when I drive myself, my light is found

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

Would you choose water over wine… hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there
With open arms and open eyes, yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I’ll be there, I’ll be there

Incubus, “Drive”

Leave a comment »

Who am I?

I am…

I am a mother…but what was I before the conception of my first child?

I am a wife…but who was I before I said “I do”?

I am a rebel…but what am I rebelling against?

I am wise…enough to know that I am ever-learning.

I am strong…enough to admit when I am weak.

I am an artist…a musician, a crafter, a creator.

I am wild abandon…a dancer, a poet, a “Hippie”.

I am a sensual being…I howl at the moon with delight.

I am an adventurer…I am not afraid of new experiences.

I am not my inhibitions…

I am not my fears…

I am not the programming that my parents and society have attempted to squash my spirit with…

I am uniquely me…I am the universe incarnate.

I am love…

I am light…

I am truth…

I am ME.

image

Leave a comment »

I’m sorry…

When life gets messy…

When my body hurts…

When my surroundings aren’t as I want them to be…

When the knowledge of what I need to do to bring peace back into my surroundings feels like an insurmountable task…

When my expectations of help aren’t met…

When I feel like if everyone would just do what I tell them needs to be done, the goal wouldn’t seem so out of reach…

When I feel like simply hiding in bed and sleeping the day away, but there are people who rely on me…

When I feel like nothing is going my way and everything is spiraling out of control…

…that’s when I lose it. Whatever “it” is. I yell, I scream, I rage at whoever is in closest proximity. I channel all my frustrations, my pain, my anger at people who aren’t really the source of those feelings. Their actions or inaction merely spark the cascade of emotion that has built up inside me.

The worst part is, I can’t take it back. I can’t undo what has happened. The best I can do is apologize, let them know it isn’t their fault, explain my feelings, and then try again next time to release the building pressure in a healthy way instead of hurting the innocent bystanders that I love the most…my children.

image

Leave a comment »

A Conversation With My Soul

I quieted my thoughts, and there I met my soul.

I said to her, “I do not know how to love.”

In the stillness of my mind, I heard her reply:

“You are love.

You are light.

All you must do is allow the love and light to flow from your spirit.

You must break down the walls that prevent the love and light from escaping.”

I began to cry.

I called out to my soul, “If I break down walls, I may get hurt! My walls protect me!”

My soul answered:

“The walls are built from fear.

When you were young…before the walls were built, when you were still an expression of pure love and light…you received hurt and darkness from those who were supposed to give you love and light.

You did not know what to do with such hurt and darkness, so you built walls around your love and light; to protect them.

In doing so, you began to reflect the hurt and darkness that you received.

The hurt and darkness bounced off your walls, but so also did love and light.

You eventually met other spirits who attempted to give you their love and light; but by then, you were too afraid to break down the walls that were there to protect you as a child.

You wanted to receive the love and light, but you didn’t know how.”

I began to cry harder.

I was terrified of the hurt and darkness I might receive if I broke down the walls.

My soul explained:

“You will receive hurt and darkness, but you need not hold it inside.

Others will reflect the hurt and darkness that has previously been given to them; but you can let it flow through you, because it is not yours.

And as you allow that hurt and darkness to pass through your love and light, it will dissipate.”

I began to understand.

I began to see.

I repeated what my soul had told me:

“I am love. I am light.”

And thus, I took the first piece off of the walls surrounding my spirit.

image

6 Comments »

I Love Me

image

I love my crooked, toothy grin
I love my bright blue eyes
I love my frog-like swimming toes
I love my skinny thighs

Far beyond the physical,
I love my intelligence
I love my thirst for knowledge
I love my common sense

I love that I’m compassionate
I love that I’m ever-caring
I love my adventurous streak
I love it when I’m daring

I love my musical abilities
I love that I cook so well
I love that I’m not afraid
to try things when I might fail

I love my determination
I love my creative style
I love that I can learn new skills
after just a little while

I love the way I dance
I love the way I sing
I love my way with words
and that I can spell most anything

I love that I love my kids
more than my very life
I love that I do my best
to be a loving wife

I love that I am loveable;
my imperfections make me whole
I love that I learn from mistakes
to help me reach all my goals

image

Leave a comment »

Quiet

Quiet…

What is that, you ask?

That glorious sound which I so seldom hear.

Bobby sleeping peacefully in the other room.

Natalie breathing heavily on my lap.

The dogs slumbering on the couch.

Lizzy and Meghan at church.

Sam on his way home.

It’s just me, in the semi-dark, in the quiet.

I breathe deeply.

I savor the moments while they last.

I think I remember this sound.

It’s eerily comforting, yet slightly disconcerting.

I hear it so rarely, my brain tells me something is amiss.

Maybe I don’t long for quiet as strongly as it seems.

“The days are long, but the years are short.”

I understand.

One day, the quiet will haunt me.

One day, I’ll long for the voices, the giggles, the shrieks.

One day, they’ll be gone.

Tonight, the quiet reminds me to enjoy the noisy chaos that fills my days.

One day, it will be so very, very quiet all the time.

Leave a comment »